With a smile on my face.

I think the hardest things in the world to say is...
I'm not coping.
I'm not okay.

I can't do this. 

Noah is ten weeks old now and up until this point I have been doing great.
Going through the motions but then all of a sudden the days got longer, the
screams got louder, nothing seemed okay. 

Everyone always says "your such a great mummy" My mum says that i'm doing
fine. But why do I feel like i'm doing something wrong?

I love and adore Noah, he is amazing, such a blessing and nothing could beat being his mummy. 

But when he cries, when he screams, when he's hurt, I feel at a complete loss of what to do!

I feel completely helpless when it comes to him. I know what he loves, I know how to fix it. 

Long walks, long drives, standing in the shower for hours on end or having him feeding for hours.
He loves to be held, He loves the sound of incredibly loud white noise, He loves to breastfeed!

It is the hardest thing in the world for me to say but I HATE breastfeeding, I hate it.
Noah loves to feed, but not to eat. He uses my breast as a dummy and he is not gentle!
He then doesn't have enough of a full feed in order to settle! 

The only break we get from feeding is the 5 hours after he has a big formula feed at night and it breaks my heart to have to give him formula! 

I have never judged another mother as harshly as I judge myself. 

Am I letting him scream for too long

Am I feeding him the right food

Did I dress him warm enough, Did I dress him cool enough 

Am I using a dummy because I am too useless to figure out what is really wrong?

I am just weak when I give in and give him formula at night. 

I feel like I am not good enough to be Noahs mum.